Driving Away

When I imagined myself as a mom I imagined being pregnant, feeding my baby, holding a toddler's hand while they learned to walk, pushing them on a swing, waving to my kindergartner as they drove away on the school bus, and listening to stories about their day over milk and cookies.  I imagined doing my little girls' hair, and picking their outfits (my girls had distinct ideas about what they wanted to wear and how they wanted their hair at early ages!).  I imagined bedtime stories and snuggles.   I imagined giggles across pillows, and movie nights, and family vacations.   I never imagined the hard parts.  The watching them growing up and moving on and driving away from us.  I never imagined my kids stepping out from under our safe wings to places where I couldn't protect them and watch over them all the time, the fact that my teachings had to be enough, and I had to trust that they had listened and learned and were ready to face the world and the streets alone.

My oldest daughter getting her license has been a new milestone for me.  It makes me feel excited and proud of her but also sad and tearful.  It's been happening for a while now this growing up thing.  First her shoe size surpassed mine by 3 sizes!   Then she grew and kept growing until she is now 5 inches taller than me.   Then her driver's permit on her 16th birthday, our 19th Anniversary.   We all went to the DMV, spent the day exploring Newport and watching her drive for the very first time in a parking lot.   It was rough!  She had a lot to learn.   She's come so far in the past 6 months.   Our biggest fear of letting her drive on Rt. 2 has happened three times now.   I know she is a good driver.   But then I see the other drivers out there.  The ones that swerve into my lane on our country road.  The 18 wheeler who decides taking half the fast lane is a good idea right as I'm about to pass them.   The near misses every time I drive.  I teach her to drive defensively.  I remind her that it is not her I am worried about but the other drivers.  I worry I haven't taught her everything yet.  I know she has some things to learn for herself.  

Last week I woke up in the middle of the night sitting up in bed and talking out loud.  I knew I had just had a dream about Kelsey driving and eating an apple and swerving into oncoming traffic.  I knew it was a dream.  I had to say "We're not ready for that yet!"  out loud anyway.   I couldn't fall back to sleep again.  It was early morning and I lay in bed with my worries.  I texted Kelsey that she wasn't allowed to eat apples while driving yet.  "Only apples?"  she texted in reply.  I knew how silly it sounded and recounted my dream to her while she got ready for school.  Rod knows I'm stressed when I sit up and talk in my sleep.   It usually involves children, my preschoolers in Boulder and worrying about them in the middle of the night, my own children and big steps they are about to take.     The kids on the beach I don't know but watch over anyway.   The huge responsibility of feeling responsible for their safety at all times.  

Yesterday we all went off to her scheduled license test.  All of us.  Again.  I guess we like to do things as a family.  She had to go to a different driving school to have her test if she didn't want to wait till April.  Of course they teach things differently there so the instructor did not do much to inspire her confidence.    After quite a few practice runs and observing from the back seat she texted us from the waiting car as she was next to go for her test.  "He made me do everything four times and yelled at me for not doing the hour lesson"  (which Rod had emailed him about numerous times and he never responded). And then "He made me super confidant yay! Ha ha!"  We texted back.  Me: "You are great!!! And if it doesn't go well today we will register you with your school so it's what you've done in practice.  But don't worry because you will get it today! (Kissy face emoji!) and from her dad: "You'll do great!  You've had lots of practice.  Love you"    She came back to the car ten minutes later to announce she had gotten her license.  "But I almost didn't", she said.    There isn't any almost didn't's with licenses.  You did or you didn't.   And you did!   Congratulations girl!  So proud of you!  

Now off to your first college tours! The reason we were all in the car together was because we were heading to RI for the day to see several colleges.    Perhaps that was too much for this mommy brain and heart to handle.  Too much growing up to witness in one day.  I was so proud of her with her getting her license and truthfully visiting the colleges was great.   I can tell she is easing towards being ready to leave our nest.  She is invested, she is curious and she is excited about all these next steps.   I spent the day feeling so proud of her.  I never imagined myself as the mom who watched her kid drive away alone, or the mom spending the day looking at colleges.  At the end of the day I thought that wasn't too bad.   

Until I went to bed.  She had driven off alone after dinner to a friend's house.  Rod and I had circled her in a big hug in the kitchen before she left and told her we loved her and how proud of her we were.   I told Rod for some reason I couldn't stand there and watch her drive away.  Last night I woke up several times in the middle of the night.  One time with a stress dream of a car swerving into Kelsey's lane and me not being there to protect her.   I couldn't fall back to sleep.  I listened to Rod snoring next to me and wished I could be sleeping soundly like he was.  I knew she was at her friend's.  I knew she wasn't driving in the middle of the night.  But somehow that is when my biggest worries hit.  In the middle of the night when I can do nothing about them.   So I wrapped my arms around my sleeping husband and hoped that would be enough to comfort me.  I hoped it would calm me knowing that the man that has been there since the very beginning and cares about this little girl as much as I do was able to sleep peacefully through the night.  On this day of all days.   It didn't help.  When I have trouble sleeping I often ask Rod to rub my back.  It always seems like a good idea but usually ends up annoying me because he falls asleep so quickly with the pressure of the weight of his hands on my back. Not a care in the world.  Snoring away.   Last night I let that weight comfort me.  This man.  Our little girl.  We are going to be alright.  This growing up stage is hard I have come to realize as I write about this through teary eyes.  But we will embrace it like every other phase of parenting.   We will embrace it together.